Yesterday actor and Super Bowl abandon-er Mark Wahlberg professed at a Catholic conference in Chicago that he has lingering guilt over starring in Boogie Nights, the movie that made him a star. This is patently insane coming from Wahlberg given that:
A. Boogie Nights is a great movie B. "Devout Catholic," my ass C. Wahlberg once, you know, beat two Vietnamese men with a stick while shouting racist slurs at them.
The latter is hardly the only crime this man has perpetrated upon innocent bystanders and/or the general public. Here now is a list of things that Wahlberg should think about the next time he plants his ass in a confessional booth:
- That beating thing
- Throwing rocks at black kids
- Breaking a neighbor’s jaw
- Teds 1 and 2
- Making a cameo in the Entourage movie specifically to plug his brother’s reality show and so that his real-life entourage could appear on screen with him
- Making Ballers as a transparent way of spiritually continuing to make Entourage
- “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
- Not lending me his cinder block barbell for chest day
- Playing a cop in Patriot’s Day who didn’t actually exist and spending most of his time on screen being thanked for his heroism
- Naming the Wahlburgers sauce "Wahl Sauce"
- Teaming with Peter Berg to bro-ify every recent American tragedy by 20 percent
- Starring in what are, somehow, the lesser Transformers films
- Making it impossible for me to differentiate between any of his buddy comedies with Will Ferrell
- Golfing with Trump
- NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AND NAWT YOU
- Probably editing his own Wikipedia page to say “He is known for his ‘tough guy’ action persona”
- Again, the beatings and racism stuff
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